Tuesday, June 9, 2009

these days they go to waste like wine.


My time is winding down. Faster and faster the time seems to fly away and there is nothing at all I can do about it. It seems so unfair, as if I am counting down the days to some final, morbid deadline as each day lessens my hours, minutes, seconds in my new home.
There are times where I’ll wake up in a panic thinking of all the goodbye’s I’ve left to say, or things I’ve yet to buy. I’ll dream of home and wake up in both tears and laughter, but ultimately in confusion. When excitement hits with the thought of soon going back to the US, contrition appears immediately after as if I’m being unfaithful to France. But when I feel sad and depressed about leaving all this behind, guilt rears its ugly head and whispers mean things about how I’m not happy enough to go back.
But mainly, my days are filled with an odd sense of unreality, as if I’m drifting through the streets of Compiegne in a calm daze. Everything seems normal, not at all as if my plane is looming ever so menacing on the horizon. The only thing that grates at my serenity is a painful edge that everything I’ve become on my own is this last year is coming to an end.

As usual, I’m just being over dramatic, I know. Obviously I’m excited to come home, but I’m also so sad to say goodbye to all that has become a part of me in this last year. I’ve grown up in two different places in two very different ways. All the things that once seemed so bizarre to me are now just a habit and it will be odd to find all the things that were once so normal now done through a stranger’s hands. I’ve seen so many places and met so many people. I’ve been so fortunate to be able to visit Belgium, Holland, Spain, Germany, Austria, Italy, Monaco, Switzerland and all over France as well as make some of the best friends I’ve ever had. I’ve gained three more Moms, three more Dads, five more brothers and seven sisters! I’ve experienced many different habits and ways of living and become incredibly close with my third host family. I’ve gained a self-confidence I wouldn’t have thought possible just ten months ago and have truly come to know loneliness and heartbreak, strength and joy, contentment and satisfaction but most of all, how it’s possible love those near and far and how it’s possible to give them all a place in your heart.
I’ve been ridiculously busy these past few weeks. Between school, rotary, friends, the gym, goodbyes and physical and emotional preparations for my depart I’m thoroughly exhausted. I go to bed each night with barely a moment to think as I fall asleep so fast.
Things I’ve done lately that should be noted are a visit up to Lille (the very north of France) to visit some of my best friends from the EuroTrip, many goodbyes to all my exchange companions and a weekend in Normandy to see President Obama make his D-Day speech on Omaha Beach. Along with him was Michele, Nicolas Sarkozy, Carla Bruni, his wife, the Prime Minister of Canada, the Prime Minister of the UK, Prince Charles and many veterans of the second world war. It was an alternatively moving and beautiful day and a wonderful conclusion to my year. My mom likes to say I started out seeing the Pope in Paris and ended seeing the President in Normandy.

I’m not telling the date of my depart, as I’d like it to be a surprise. I will say that it’s late June and that my days are coming closer and closer to the end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m VERY excited to see all of you as well as humbled by this incredible and unforgettable year Rotary has given me, but please be understanding that in leaving France, I’m leaving a large piece of my heart behind and it’s not something that’s terribly simple.
But hey, I’m an exchange student. If there’s one thing I’ve learned this year it’s that if I can do this, I can do anything.